By RAYMOND CUMMINGS
The growers and the suppliers don't care. The foremen suspect. The wholesalers are pretty sure, but not conclusively so. The middlemen? They've got no clue. But the founder, the CEO, you, and I all concur: Java Time is a startlingly insipid name for a brand of coffee. It's like calling your electronic noise duo Fuck Buttons; like making a movie about a soul plane entitled Soul Plane; like being Microsoft and christening your Google-slaying search-engine Bing!.
I haven't done any research on this, but whoever's behind Java Time knows that Java Time is a horrible name, in the same way that the owners of coffee chains like Brew HaHa and Fol Sol Latte know that their customers are secretly laughing at them, oversized earthtone cups perched on lips. But that's part of the scheme. Dumb product/shop names aren't just dumb product/shop names - they're conversation pieces that, by way of their very stupidity, subtly encourage you to buy in by leveraging gray matter acreage. I'm going to say "car insurance." If the first car insurance company you thought of wasn't Geico, and you have, on more than one occasion, been amused by a Geico ad staring waspy cavemen or an amiable gecko with an Australian accent, then you're a liar and I will not lend you money.
None of which matters, because Java Time is a great, mellow coffee: a smooth, agreeable sip that contrasts sharply with Starbucks' bitter brew and Dunkin Donuts' less-harsh-but-still-bracing one. Maxwell House? Can't compare. Folgers'? Ninja, please. Java Time is easy like Sunday morning, like remedial Geometry, like Super Mario Brothers III with a Game Genie assist. Java Time is the only brand of coffee that my wife, my mother-in-law, father-in-law, and I can all agree on. Java Time is nightmare economy-friendly - only $3.50 a bag at Big Lots, which is half of what you'd pay for most known brands. Java Time is such a wonderful brew, in fact, that I've broken my own rule, that I wouldn't post anything here until early October, which was meant to be the Ill With The Composition Grand Opening, so I could prattle on about how fabulous Java Time is, like a compensated endorser or a Dilbert zombie, though I am, in fact, neither of those things.