ILL AMERICAN IDOL FOLLIES: Kara DioGuardi Survives to Judge, Annoy for Another Fucking Season of "Idol"

It's possible that someone, somewhere, reading this post really enjoyed Kara DioGuardi's stint as an American Idol judge, earlier this year. You - the royal "you" - felt that she brought a touch of gravatas and sassy spice and music-biz insider heft to a judges' panel consisting of a curmudgeonly (if consistently on-the-money) grump, a vapid, catchphrase-recycling fool, and a pop has-been whose diction is increasingly labored and robotic, at best. Perhaps you were charmed, during the eighth season finale, when she got on stage with Bikini Girl and ripped off her dress. (We were not charmed. Rather, we were chagrined. Perhaps we're just old.) It's possible that you were driven to sympathy as audience shenanigans and between-judges sniping in the press rattled the former aspiring songbird and songwriter. Maybe you said some prayers because you'd heard that Kara wasn't coming back to Idol; more likely, you popped open a bottle of Carlos Santana champagne. Well, she's back, snitches - and, meanwhile, Paula Abdul hasn't re-uped her contract. Which pretty much portends a totally unwatchable American Idol Season Nine, in our (admittedly jaundiced) view.