ILL PRIORITIES: Eight Things That New Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama Should Do Today

By RAYMOND CUMMINGS

1. Climb to the White House roof and let loose with one of those intense air-punching fits that sports fans unleash when their teams reach the playoffs. Also: shout "YESSSS!" a couple times.

2. If they're in or near the capitol today, exchange a high-five or Revolutionary drug brothers handshake with Al Gore, and give Bono a nuggie.

3. Treat Michelle to a night out on the town. She's a good woman who doesn't get out much.

4. Figure out where, exactly, to display the Nobel medal: mounted on the Oval Office desk? Over the headboard? In the Air Force One commode? Or would it make more sense to have several replicas made for display in each of those locations, then stash the actual medal somewhere else?

5. Rush order a replacement for that Swiss Army Knife he lost back in junior high.

6. Leave Jay-Z a voicemail: "Eleven number one records is quite an accomplishment, but, you know, I just won a Nobel Prize today."

7. Treat himself to at least two or three Kit-Kat bars.

8. Drop a couple crisp new Hamiltons on lottery tickets, because, hey, you never know.