By RAYMOND CUMMINGS
1. Take a strong position about a person, group of persons, idea, or institution that is in stark opposition to the general consensus.
2. Explain in detail why other people are wrong, and you are right. Cite examples that support your hypothesis. Name names; take no prisoners.
3. Share a personal anecdote - or several - tangentially related to whatever issue is under discussion.
4. Swear. Rather, swear in moderation. Swear for emphasis. Swear tastefully. But swear. (Do not, however, swear on your mother, your grandmother, or your grandmother's mother.)
5. Come up with cruel nicknames for people who will probably disagree with you and, hopefully, will smear your credibility in the comments sections. You will also need cruel nicknames for those persons, groups of persons, ideas, or institutions you are attacking. All of these nicknames should be pointed, funny, and bear a hint of truth. When rival bloggers give you dap or condemn you on their own blogs, readers of those blogs should be forced to stifle a guffaw and automatically feel moved to check out your original post, because you are a clever, insightful Web 2.0 intellectual. You are a cultural shaman. You are so money.
6. Proffer false empathy for those for those who will inevitably disagree with you, those who are part of the problem, and yourself, for caring so much about this issue. Then turn on a dime and whip out the chainsaw.
7. Conclude with a witty endnote that ties together all that came before and, crucially, suggests that all is not lost.
8. Repeat.
2. Explain in detail why other people are wrong, and you are right. Cite examples that support your hypothesis. Name names; take no prisoners.
3. Share a personal anecdote - or several - tangentially related to whatever issue is under discussion.
4. Swear. Rather, swear in moderation. Swear for emphasis. Swear tastefully. But swear. (Do not, however, swear on your mother, your grandmother, or your grandmother's mother.)
5. Come up with cruel nicknames for people who will probably disagree with you and, hopefully, will smear your credibility in the comments sections. You will also need cruel nicknames for those persons, groups of persons, ideas, or institutions you are attacking. All of these nicknames should be pointed, funny, and bear a hint of truth. When rival bloggers give you dap or condemn you on their own blogs, readers of those blogs should be forced to stifle a guffaw and automatically feel moved to check out your original post, because you are a clever, insightful Web 2.0 intellectual. You are a cultural shaman. You are so money.
6. Proffer false empathy for those for those who will inevitably disagree with you, those who are part of the problem, and yourself, for caring so much about this issue. Then turn on a dime and whip out the chainsaw.
7. Conclude with a witty endnote that ties together all that came before and, crucially, suggests that all is not lost.
8. Repeat.
2 comments:
I've tried this, yet no book deal. Maybe I'm too positive.
SAVAGERY, Zak! You must be savage. Un animale, eh? Be David Caruso in "Jade."*
*Note: I have not actually seen Jade, that line is from "Knocked Up" so it must be at least partially accurate, right?
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